Track 11: Quantum Flux

TW: Sexual Assault, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

Today marks 10 years since I was sexually assaulted. This is the first time that I’ve really acknowledged it “publicly”; I wrote about it extensively in my grad school thesis thinking that it would be therapeutic to get it all out on paper (hello writing concentration), but then buried it deep in a folder on a hard-drive after graduation, in true writer fashion. As it turns out, writing it down is not a fix-all. In fact, so many things that have happened over the last 10 years have shored up aspects of the trauma and aftermath of the event. In the decade since, I have had a complicated relationship with my body, often feeling like I’m trapped in a vessel where things are constantly happening to it; a miscarriage, a healthy pregnancy, illness both mental and physical, a current pregnancy (surprise!). A series of experiences where I am manning the ship of a receptable I did not choose and cannot really change. Despite all of this, there is one song that I have turned to over the years for grounding and a reminder that in the fun house of horrors that is being a human, there are good things that pop up, clown-style. Things go wrong, but sometimes…they can go right.

The Song: “Quantum Flux”

The Band: Northlane

The Genre(s): Heavy metal, progressive metal

The Discovery: My husband first introduced me to his love of metal before we started dating, and he would often play Northlane’s album Singularity, where “Quantum Flux” features. This song in particular always stood out to me as memorable and full of feeling.

The Feels: It’s harder to put into words how this song makes me feel. I’ve listened to it during so many hard times in life. During these periods, the song was kind of a tether to life in a way. Listening to then lead singer Adrian Fitipaldes screaming, “Can’t you see the joy of life is right before your eyes?” would always seem to reel me back in from what sorrow I was buried in.

The Memories: In 2015 or 2016, my husband and I saw Northlane play “Quantum Flux” live at the Bottom Lounge. The energy of the crowd during this performance was unmatched, and everyone was on their feet jumping up and down. 2015-2018 was a hard period of time for me, and though I often masked very well around family and at work, I was incredibly unhappy. Experiencing “Quantum Flux” live, though, was a moment in that dark time where I felt like I was taking a big, deep breath of cold air. A complete core memory.

Today’s Spin: 10 years on, and this song still helps me cope. It also does serve as a reminder on particularly trying days that there is so much good in my life - a strong partnership, a beautiful son, supportive family, a cozy old house. You know, the things that help me remember “what it’s like to feel alive.”

This bleak-ass anniversary does not get easier (will it ever?) but it does sting less and less as time passes. I really do think that the things that we consume can move and change us, uplift us and support us, see us through the chaos of horrible, fucked up shit, and I guess that’s really what this playlist is about, right? Celebrating the media that keeps us going. May 2025 treat you all as well as it can. May you find the good in the hard. I’ve got your back.

Thanks for listening.